I married a rich, old man who wants a nice garden.

The gold-digger (and beginner’s) guide to keeping his ex-wife’s garden alive.

Gardening at the best of times can be daunting but when it comes down to it, it’s really simple. With our fool-proof checklist your next trip to the garden store will be as easy as a contestant on the bachelor.

  1. Invest in some tools – Breathe, this isn’t scary! All you need is a spade, a hosepipe and a rake.
  2. Improve your soil before you plant – Ideal garden soil has the texture of crumbly chocolate cake and is easy to dig. You add hummus (composted manure, compost or leaf mound, or a combination of them). If you have sandy soil, the hummus acts like a sponge to hold moisture. And if you have clay, it breaks up sticky particles to create larger pore spaces that drain more easily and help plant roots get the air they need. So basically you need to sprinkle a shit ton of hummus (not the type you eat, babe).
  3. When in doubt plant annuals – The great thing about annuals is that they’re widely available and easy to grow. If you follow the simple basics about light, spacing, water and fertilizer, you’ll have success.
  4. Keep plants free from pests and disease – New plants are vulnerable to attacks by insects and pest. The most cost-effective way to ward them off is by wiping the leaves with vinegar. This drives insects away and makes the plant more resistant to fungi.
  5. Don’t drown the plant – A lot of new gardeners are guilty of flooding their plants with too much water. This is the most common cause of plant mortality. Spray the plants but don’t pour the water. Just make the soil damp so that your plant will not drown.