How to look way more fun than his new girlfriend on Instagram
We all know that when a man moves on we can’t stop ourselves from savagely stalking his new girlfriend on Instagram. Yes, it’s a war – and we ALWAYS win.
Call me mentally deranged, I don’t care. You can act as prim and proper as you want; we all know that in a moment of weakness you’ve drunk cried over the photo of her in a crop top at Rocking the Daisies. You know you’re hotter, funnier and more educated than her but there’s something about that ‘I- woke- up- like- this’ hair and the fake Raybans she bought in Thailand that just make her look like so much fun. Simultaneously, it also makes you want to throw up. Don’t worry babe, we get you. Dry those tears, take another prescription pill and get the ultimate revenge – Instagram style.
Get out. Girl, you aren’t going to make anyone miss you if you’re lying in bed talking aloud to your cats. Happy girls are the prettiest, so grab that bottle of Ciroc and head to Shimmy Beach (or Europe – desperate times call for desperate measures). But whatever you do, please just LEAVE THE HOUSE!
It’s all about the filter – and another one for good luck. Gone are the days when only one filter was enough. If you don’t have at least three photo apps on your phone you really need to regain some self-respect. Your social media says a lot about who you are as a person; therefore it needs to be meticulously curated. Blurry android pictures are something of the past. Bye, Felicia.
Appoint your very own personal photographer from your group of friends (or let them take turns). Girlfriends need to understand that, post-break up, it is their duty to take photos of you that make it seem as though you were not even posing (regardless of the fact that it actually took forty tries, a fan and de-mystifier). If your friends give you attitude about it, play that broken heart card! It’s normally valid one month post break-up.
It’s all about the captions. Nobody is actually attracted to a girl who makes her caption an inspirational quote by Ghandi, while the photo features her half naked and staring longingly at the ocean. Also, please refrain from uploading any mirror selfies of yourself wearing a bikini with a caption like ‘New Bikini for Holiday’ – you’re not on holiday yet. You’re in your bedroom, fishing for compliments.
Find a hotter (or richer boyfriend) because why the fuck are you even worrying about someone with the handle @CandsXOX who has her undergraduate degree in sociology?